Getting to know: MT McGuire


MTMcGuirePhotoRight, time for the silly interview. Let’s get to know the lovely MT McGuire!!

So, What were you like in school?
Yikes… I guess I was the class joker. I was threatened with expulsion a couple of times and I suspect I was every teacher’s nightmare because I learned how to keep one ear on the droning in the background and when the teacher asked me a question, play it back, realise what was being said and answer correctly.

Somehow, I can imagine that! haha.
How would you describe yourself, in three words?
Happy go lucky.

What is the last book you read?
Imperfect Strangers by David Staniforth

Ooo, it’s good, isn’t it?
If there was a movie produced about your life, who would play you and why?
Joyce Grenfell. Because apparently I’m like her when I’m on the phone with McMini around. I can’t do it very well but it sort of goes like this.

Hi there how– McMini, what is that? Really? Well please don’t smear it on the oven door. Sorry, I’ve a McMunchkin here, so how are you? No, shrimp put the egg back…. Glad to hear it, did you have a nice– No small fry that’s an egg it’ll make a horrible mess if drop it, please give it to me… Holiday? Bermuda wasn’t it? No sweetheart, leave the carving knife where it is please. Thank you. Wow, that sounds really nice. No, I told you not to smear it on the oven door. I’ll get angry and you won’t like me when I’m angry. Yes, I can imagine, was the weather good?– No! I’ve told you. I’ll turn into ogre Mummy. Glad to hear it, it must have been relaxing. Take the cat’s tail out of your mouth sweetie, there’s a good chap. Did you try water skiing? Well, if you suck the cat’s tail like that you will have a furry mouth. I’m surprised he let you. That sounds ace I’m always a bit leery about all-in though. No sweetie, don’t eat the cat’s supper. Was the food good? Etc etc ad infinitim.

Children can be exhausting, can’t they? I’m glad I am without any of my own yet!!
This question probably wont bother you, because you’re a mum, but if there was a zombie apocalypse and you can only use the item to your left to survive, how long would you live?
The oven. Well, there we are. I could cook them a very nice meal so they forget about me or I could hit them with it. I suspect I would have to hit them. I doubt many zombies would survive an oven attack, the first one won’t anyway, it just depends if there is more than one zombie, whether I can rip the oven off the wall and how many times I can pick it up and throw it before my stamina gives out. Thinking about it, if I’m in the mood to go out fighting, I suppose I can kill the first bunch by twatting them over the head with the oven. Then, when I’m totally knackered, I can hide in it and wait for as many Zombies as possible to crowd into the kitchen before lighting a match, just as they’re about to set on me and eat my brain, killing several hundred of them in a huge gas explosion… Yeh.

If you were a superhero what would your superpower be?
Hmm… well there are a couple of possibilities. I would quite like to have a short-term memory that exceeds 11 seconds – a short term memory, at all, would be nice. There are many, many goldfish laughing at me. You know that really dumb one out of Finding Nemo, she’s mensa material beside me. You have no idea how much time I spend looking for my sodding keys, phone, wallet… I’ve just spent the last three days with no deodorant because I thought I left it at my parents’ house and didn’t have time to look for it properly. This morning I found it in the bottom of the holdall I took with me. Sigh. Which leads me onto the superpower which I already possess: my ability to spend prolonged periods staring at a thing I am trying to find without actually seeing it. I am Olympic standard at this; I have raised it to an art form.

Alternatively, coming at it from another angle, it would be nice if I could stop time, so I could spend an hour looking for something without wasting that hour. Because I could keep time suspended while I looked and then start it up again when I’d found it. Sure, I’d be about 103 years old by my 50th birthday because I would have spent more than half my life running around looking for stuff while the rest of the world stood still but hey, I’d be getting results.

Yeh, that’s it I think. I’d like an ability to stop time while I find stuff.

That is definitely the best super power that I have heard of! I love it!
If you could pick two celebrities to be your parents, who would you pick and why?
My own parents are wonderful. I wouldn’t swap them for anyone. If you’ve been watching the trip, with the bloke who plays Alan Partridge and yer man from Marion and Geoff… my parents used to have dinner parties like that. People telling silly stories and doing impressions of colleagues, my Dad was a teacher and he and his friends used to do prank phone calls to colleagues who’d left to go to headships at other schools.

Meanwhile, my Mum worked in PR in the 60s. At a time when it was still very infra dig to employ women as more than secretaries, she was executive director of a PR firm. She started there when it was just her and the boss. They couldn’t afford a receptionist so she invented this Frenchwoman persona. She would answer the phone with a strong French accent and pretend to put people through to herself. Genius. I mean, no wonder I’m the way I am I hadn’t a hope with those two as parents and my brother is just the same (except he’s much funnier than me).

That sounds like an interesting childhood!
If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
I would like to be a cat. Our cat spends long periods frolicking without a care in the world followed by hours of sustained sleeping on his back. Occasionally he breaks this demanding regimen to go to the lavatory or eat something. Sure his food is not very appetising and I’d have to eat butterflies but otherwise… What a life!

If you could trade places with any other person for a week, famous or not, living or dead, real or fictional, who would it be and why?
I actually really like being me. I have a great life and lovely people round me. What more could I want? OK, if I had to, then I’d probably trade with someone fictional – reality is a bit humdrum for a week of dream fulfilment don’t you think? Let’s see: I wouldn’t mind spending a week on the USS Enterprise or helping Dr Who or I’d spend it in one of my books driving flying cars (snurds) fast and irresponsibly.

Brilliant! Thanks, MT!

To view the serious interview, please click here. The link also includes a list of where to buy MT Mcguire’s books. If you’re too lazy to do that though, here’s a link to her blog and Amazon page!

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